In the Trenches

Children have a funny way of helping parents grow. I say this because of a recent conversation with a friend. He recalled a time when his six-year-old son yelled from the backseat of the car, “Get out of the way, you slowpoke!” His son was yelling at the car they were driving behind. The experience was funny at first, even cute, hearing the child’s voice. Then the experience was convicting. My friend knew the boy was repeating or parroting what he had heard from him on earlier occasions while driving. Can you identify? Unfortunately, I can. The story reminds us that children repeat what they hear — they are the “voice” of the family. 

A different family has a darker story. The parent of a teenage boy tells a story about how their son exploited his girlfriend on social media after she ended their relationship. Their son had previously experienced the emotional battle of their toxic divorce and custody fight. The parents taught and conditioned the young man to win relational arguments through emotional violence. The truth is, children repeat or imitate how their parents deal with conflict. 

Thankfully, God shines light on good illustrations, too. For example, the houseparent families at Woodburn Christian Children’s Home live and serve in our homes with their own children alongside them. One of these families has high school-age children. Over the past two years, we have seen these high schoolers minister to the children placed in the care of WCCH. The house-parent children imitate the ministry of their parents, showing kindness, patience, and friendship to the children placed at WCCH. 

These illustrations remind us that children repeat what they hear from the adults in their family. Children also imitate the conflict and Kingdom ministry experiences of their family, specifically their parents. This rings true in the biblical narratives. For example, Hannah, the mother of Samuel, was a faithful, committed believer in the Lord. Her devotion to the Lord is recorded in 1 Samuel 2:2, “There is no one holy like the Lord. Indeed, there is no one besides You. Nor is there any rock like our God.” Hannah’s faith statement affected her son. As a young boy, Samuel responded to the Lord’s call with simplicity and conviction, “Speak, for Your servant is listening” (1 Samuel 3:10, NASB). Eli, the priest, told Samuel to use this phrase when responding to the Lord’s call. Eli was the primary caregiver for Samuel, and Hannah was his emotional and spiritual mother in the faith. The biblical story teaches us that children reproduce in future relationships what they hear and learn from their families, especially about their relationship with God the Father. This modeling or family projection occurs throughout each day, in the teachable moments of life in the trenches. Whether driving to the store, enjoying recreational time, completing chores, or sitting around the dining room table. Together, these relational experiences frame teachable moments. The key, therefore, is to recognize and embrace the teachable moments so that children of all ages learn the biblical faith, values, and morals of the generational family system. 

Often, these teaching moments are unplanned. For example, years ago, while our WCCH family sat around the dining room table, we realized one of the children was anxious. She was nervously navigating her senior year of high school. “Senioritis” was affecting her sleep and all her waking moments. All she could think about was the uncertainty of life after high school. As we ate dinner, each family member, without provocation, shared how they managed anxiety and fear. From eight years old through high school, including the adults, each told how they managed uncertainty. Everyone shared examples such as listening to music, exercising, playing basketball, reading, and memorizing Scripture. As we sat around the dining room table, spontaneously, each shared hope as the teachable moment unfolded. Later that year, the senior remembered the experience and said, “That table time conversation changed my whole year.” 

It is hard to overstate the importance of setting aside time for instructing children and sharing meals with family. The modeling of faith, values, and morals often happens at the dining room table, among other places. This is true for school-aged children and is especially true for adult children. The difficulty is prioritizing the teaching moments. Too often, the speed at which we live prevents us from seeing the opportunities for family development. Slowing down time, therefore, is a communal challenge because time is the key component of teachable moments. 

Last month, in the article titled “Who is Responsible?” we reminded parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that together they form a family constellation like the Big Dipper in the sky. The metaphor uses the nature of a constellation to understand family dynamics. We know constellations are predictable arrays of lights (stars) placed in an ordered pattern. The challenge for Christian families is to be like a constellation with a predictable pattern to shine the Light of Christ into the family. For stars, arranged like the Big Dipper, the appearance is rhythmic, corresponding to God’s creative design from sunset to sunrise. Carrying the metaphor forward, family systems function best in a similar rhythmic, ordered lifestyle corresponding to God’s creative design. Alternatively, families that do not have a predictable rhythm miss teachable moments in the chaos of life. This constellation metaphor is useful to help families picture the goal. 

The problem is that societal structures tend to undermine the predictable rhythm of a family. Economies demand that both parents work as the poverty line rises with inflation. The problem gets larger when families confuse wants and needs while prodded by the American dream to define identity through possessions. Time and rhythm are not easy to manage while living in a layered capitalistic system of socioeconomic cause and effect. Further complications and time-constrained living occur in families dismantled by divorce, sickness, and adverse childhood experiences such as an incarcerated parent, substance abuse disorder, and domestic violence. Complex generational dysfunction further complicates development as teachable moments become lost in the noise of life in the trenches. Whether the noise is from success or dysfunction, the result is the same. Teachable moments pass by each day without recognition. 

The challenge for the twenty-first-century family is to develop, maintain, and protect a rhythmic, faith-based lifestyle. This requires family members to say “no” to certain activities so that they can say “yes” to the main responsibility of Christ-centered family development. Upholding this commitment advances permanency and solidifies the “secure base” for relational development. Seizing daily moments to teach faith, values, and morals also allows family cohesion and attachment. The blending of heart, mind, and soul happens when families say “yes” to their biblical responsibility of teaching the truth about Jesus through their home-based relationships. 

Unfortunately, the path of development has speed bumps. One example comes to mind. Parents and families tend to replace “table time” with never-ending social, vocational, and church-related commitments. It is common for families of school-age children to run from one activity to another—to shuttle family members between band practices, martial arts lessons, sporting games and practices, chess clubs, youth groups, and other similar activities. Further complications occur when the parents’ vocational pursuits require excessive work schedules of sixty or even seventy hours a week. Then add in the traditional adage that Christian families should attend every church event or else they feel guilty. The chaotic pace of a family that does not know how to say “no” becomes normal, resulting in children who reproduce chaotic lifestyles as young adults. Nobody recognizes teachable moments because poor eating habits, sleep deprivation, and frustration insulate one family member from the other. This problematic example should cause each reader to pause – to evaluate their family’s lifestyle and pace. The example should also cause church leaders and elders to evaluate attendance participation expectations. Parents modeling a balanced lifestyle should evaluate the ratio of rest and activity, play and work, and family time with social activities outside the home. The question is, are we raising children of chaos or children of balance? 

My wife and I know this problem all too well. Thankfully, we recognized the issue before it was too late. When our four children were elementary- and middle school-aged, we taught them how to say “no.” Of course, they were already exceptionally good at saying no. It seemed to be one of the first words they learned as babies. Redirecting their defiance, we taught our kids how to choose between different activities using discernment with pros and cons. We taught them to say no to the noise and yes to the main thing of relational attachment and family development. To ensure our commitment, we allowed each child one extracurricular activity per calendar season. Additionally, we allowed only two of our four children to participate in organized activities at the same time. This was not easy to maintain, especially in the teenage years when extracurricular activities influenced their identity. The point was to value time together more than time as spectators in the audience or on the sidelines of an organized sport. 

This is an important teaching and challenge because God does not call Christian parents to be spectators. God calls parents to model the biblical example of Jesus, who spent considerable time with His twelve apostles. In the New Testament, as the time approached when Jesus would fulfill His mission, we read, “As Jesus was about to go up to Jerusalem, He took the twelve disciples aside by themselves” (Matthew 20:17, NASB). Jesus took them aside to explain His death and resurrection. Earlier in Matthew 13:36, we read, “Then He [Jesus] left the crowds and went into the house. And His disciples came to Him and said, ‘Explain to us the parable of the weeds of the field.’” Jesus used the home as the place to teach the Truth about the Kingdom of God. Again, we read from Matthew 5:1, “Now when Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him.” The mission of the Messiah included intentional time with His disciples despite the busyness of life. Jesus was not a spectator in the life of the twelve; He invested time in their lives. Are you investing time in the life of your family? 

Now, let us transition to specific examples of what to teach in the trenches, in the teachable moments of family life. We will begin with communication and then transition to conflict management. Together, these two form building blocks for development. Families that teach how to communicate and how to manage conflict grow together in Christ. The following thoughts flow from family development workshops we offer at Woodburn Christian Children’s Home. The material relies on the definition that parenting (grandparenting) is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, educational, emotional, and spiritual development of a child from infancy through adulthood. This definition is important because parenting is a process that never ends. 

Building on that definition, communication is the process of exchanging information. The process or exchange occurs physically, educationally, emotionally, and spiritually as illustrated in the diagram. The first thing to bear in mind is that gender, birth order, and personality type influence communication. Another variable is the time of day. One family member may communicate better in the morning compared to the evening. Others have certain days of the week and weeks of the month that hinder or facilitate communication. The point is not everyone communicates the same. Therefore, parents should learn the optimum communication method and medium for each family member. It is important to learn and develop a baseline understanding regarding communication styles while children are young because age complicates communication styles through an enlarging peer group. 

In the trenches, communication is a creative process. Often, children prefer talking with parents while active. Investing time playing basketball, throwing baseball, coloring pages, building projects, or simply pulling the garden weeds together provides space to exchange information. Activity-based communication also improves cognitive function, helping you communicate better. The activities release pressure from difficult conversations, leaving room for correction or confrontation. The creative process should also include biblical narratives so that a child can weave their experiences into God’s story. The Bible is a powerful rallying point for communication. Selecting biblical characters that are like each child helps identify communication styles. 

Another truth about communication is that God intends families to form intentional communication pathways with God the Father as the One in authority. Drawing a picture of a relational triangle helps children see their place and is a visual representation of God’s expectations. The goal of communication is to exchange information about God. As each person in the triangle grows toward God through communication, they grow closer toward each other. 

This type of biblical communication requires intentional listening and reflective questioning— the desire to clarify definitions while avoiding monologues or lectures. Jesus models this perfectly. For example, we read in Mark 9:21-24, Jesus employing reflective questioning. After discovering His disciples could not heal a young boy, Jesus had a conversation with the boy’s father: “[Jesus] asked his father, ‘How long has this been happening to him?’ And he said, ‘From childhood. It has often thrown him both into the fire and into the water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us!’ But Jesus said to him, ‘If you can?’ All things are possible for the one who believes.’ Immediately, the boy’s father cried out and said, ‘I do believe; help my unbelief!’” (NASB, emphasis added).  

Jesus carefully listened to the father’s response to recognize him saying, “if you can” as an indicator of the man’s faltering faith. Communication requires intentional listening. Parents create opportunities for faith-based development when communication focuses on exchanging biblical truths in the trenches of life. 

Another necessity for a healthy, developing family is conflict. This may seem like an odd statement. It is not. Conflict in a fallen world is inevitable. Unrealistic expectations and warring emotional dominance flow from Genesis 3. “Then the Lord said to Cain, ‘Why are you angry? And why is your face gloomy? If you do well, will your face not be cheerful? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” (emphasis added, NASB). One way to master sin is to manage conflict. 

Teaching children to manage conflict is as important as a healthy diet, exercise, and rest. Why? Because conflict is unavoidable. Most agree that all relationships include a certain measure of conflict. Therefore, avoiding conflict is not the solution. Learning how to manage conflict is the God-honoring path. But how do we manage inevitable, unavoidable relational conflict? The first step is communication, as we discussed. James writes, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:19-20, NIV). The next step is to learn and use spiritual tools for managing conflict. 

The first tool is to identify family-based triggers that produce conflict. Common triggers include differing parenting styles, extended family, finances, and uncommunicated expectations. Blended families have a longer list due to custodial and non-custodial related problems. Close family friends and mentors can help identify triggers, as they often can detect the repetitive nature of conflict triggers. After identifying triggers, the family can develop “special communication” methods to manage the associated conflict. For example, parents of a blended family could schedule a time of day or day of the week that is optimal to discuss the stepchild’s (trigger) needs, whether for encouragement or correction. The conversation should occur when other stressors are minimized. The parents then should discuss the “trigger topic” in a neutral place, maybe while walking outdoors. This type of activity-based communication provides a posture of mutual submission, thus lending to a win-win resolution. 

Another tool for conflict management is recognizing the nature of the relationship. Too often, unhealthy dependencies and the resultant unhealthy demands produce relationships that result in a never-ending battle of wants. This tool requires each person to seek to understand the other person’s position and emotional posture. Misunderstandings, rooted in dominance and dependence, often cause a minor disagreement to spiral into a full-blown argument.  

The most crucial tool for conflict management is prayer. When conflict arises, either between a believer-believer or a believer-nonbeliever, the Christian should take an active role of loving and praying for their enemies as commanded by Jesus in Matthew 5:43-45. The love Jesus demands is conveyed in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, with special note given to this challenge: “It [Love] does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth” (vv. 5-6, NASB). 

Conflict is inevitable in the trenches of life—so, what can Christians do when the argument comes? When frustration and powerlessness cause tempers to flare and voices to rise. When there is a temptation to throw daggers with our tongues or gossip and slander under the guise of “venting.” What can we do? We turn back to our spiritual toolkit. When arguing, we commit to staying on topic. We also commit to resolving the issue within the day and avoiding pressing the “buttons” of the other person to gain the upper hand. Other tools include learning who is in the relational triangle. Sometimes the person we disagree with has a person guiding them into conflict. This is common with teenagers and church-based elderships and committees. Another essential tool for resolution is compromise. This “agree to disagree” emotional posture leads to a shared win-win solution. Finally, the willingness to change voices humility to resolve the conflict in a God-honoring way. 

Conflict is powerful, either for developing or destroying relationships. How we manage conflict sets the stage for teachable moments and our ability to love one another. My wife and I learned this the hard way. Both of us emerged from childhood families that dealt with conflict through yelling, insults, and backbiting. Having this modeled for us as children resulted in us modeling destructive conflict and communication styles as adults. Thankfully, we allowed God to step deeply into our lives through our faith in Jesus when our children were still young. We often talk about our family’s transformation with our children. One conversation comes to mind. Last year, I asked our 27-year-old daughter, who is an artist, to create a painting that represents the change we experienced. Her creative talents resulted in the picture with the red chair. She explained that as a young child, she remembered that when I sat in the red chair, there was less arguing and yelling in our home. Interestingly, she was four years old when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and was immersed in Christian baptism. Even at four years old, she was able to remember the arguments and unresolved conflict. The red chair is where I sat to pray and read the Bible after I came to Christ. All these years later, our daughter remembered when I sat in the chair, the home was more peaceful. Modeling our faith is essential for family development. Teaching children how to communicate and how to manage conflict is a high calling. Accept the challenge. Be present in your family’s life and teach others how to do the same. 

Who is responsible for raising the next generation of Christians and Kingdom servants? Parents are responsible. Grandparents are responsible. The Christian family is responsible. Therefore, speak the truth about Jesus boldly. Model Christian values and morals. Show your children, of all ages, how to serve sacrificially for the proclamation of the Gospel. Remember, children repeat what they hear – they are the “voice” of the family. Children also reproduce the emotional experiences of their family. Get off the sidelines and into the game of life with your children and grandchildren. May God bless your efforts!