Steak Knife Is Launched! *
reported by Tim Snow

Steak Knife Christian Church of Fork, MD in association with the Southern North Dakota Evangelizing Association of Minot launched the Steak Knife Christian Church on June 18, 2006. Priding itself as being on the cutting edge, Steak Knife is meeting at the Colossal Imax Multiplex Theatres, the only totally underground Imax theatres in the world. Worshipers are drawn to this location by two ten-foot steak knives formed in the shape of a cross. To attract seekers, the cross was formed in the most non-threatening way.

Steak Knife is one of only a few churches operating by the "multi-venue worship system." Besides the regular Contemporary Christian Music, SKCC offers such venues as Today's Country, Blues (framed in an uplifting sort of way), Smooth Jazz, and Reggae for the burgeoning Jamaican population. The Southern North Dakota Evangelizing Association of Minot (SNDEAM) had the foresight to commission Bob Marley to compose all the Reggae worship music. Worshipers interviewed after the service gave kudos to the virtual smorgasbord of worship experiences.

To maximize efficiency, Steak Knife uses two preaching providers from the most preeminent Christian Churches nobody has ever heard of. On any given Sunday worshipers can hear the classic story-telling style of Don Shaw, Senior Pastor of the Utter Happiness Christian Church or Hollywood, California or the outdoor experiences of Don's brother Horace Shaw of Fresh Aire Christian Church somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. Don and Horace received their Master of Divinity degrees from the prestigious Arctic Circle School of Sacred and Scurrilous Literature in Nome, Alaska.

Projected on Imax screens, worshipers comment that Don and Horace are "larger-than-life." With 3-D glasses it is almost as if they can actually "reach out and touch you." When they relate their experiences, most worshipers feel like they are having their experiences along with them. One member commented, "It is as if we've known these guys forever." Services still retain that local touch when Lead Pastor Shawn Lovelace takes five to ten minutes to "cast his vision."

Leading up to the launch of Steak Knife, members set up tables in public places to give away 450 "Grab Bags" which contain SKCC mugs, key chains, refrigerator magnets, and a coupon for a free game of bowling at Bowl-a-Rama. Show times, er, meeting times of Steak Knife are Sundays at 9:15 am for the Social-Educational Hour (Steak Tips) and 10:30 am for the "Ground Round Mound of Sound." Church is playing at the Colossal Imax Multiplex Theatre near you.

* Disclaimer: Any similarity to people or entities living or dead is purely satirical. The churches mentioned are not real churches, so don't waste gasoline trying to find these places.

Editor's Note:  This disclaimer is disputed by Mr. Shotgun Smith.  See his response here.