Well Strange Club members, while skimming yet another installment of a certain widely-read weekly Christian church oriented publication it occurred to me that almost anyone could write for that publication. That’s when inspiration hit. I’m anyone, so why not let me write? Below, therefore, is a sample submitted both for our club’s review and in the hope that the editor of the afore alluded-to publication will realize that there are some other writers out there in the sea, so to speak. I have tried to show my versatility by touching on all the avant guard themes that have been taken up lately in our target publication. I have given special attention to the back page of that publication, where the trendiest essays of all seem to appear weekly. You know, when in Rome, or Cincinnati . . . Who knows? Maybe the name Kent B. True Jr. will someday be gracing the back cover of a trend-setting weekly church publication near you . . . or not . . . but in any case, here we go with . . .

with your guest host, Kent B. True, Jr.**

The other day I was driving my BMW out to some of my CEO friends’ vacation house on the coast. We were going to hop into their yacht and sail for a little downtime. As I was driving out, I had this nagging feeling something was wrong. What was God trying to tell me? Sipping my daily cup of Starbucks fair-trade coffee on the dock didn’t seem to alleviate the feeling. I just couldn’t enjoy the high definition television rendition of Soccer on the boat’s larger-than-life screen, so I retired to my private bed room to meditate.

That’s when it hit me. God was telling me to do research on the social-political state of America. So, I popped out my I-Mac and fired up the satellite internet connection. I researched on Google for minutes on end. After looking over some sites (see MoveOn.org, 911Truth.org, et. al.) the message became clear: all of our county’s problems are the fault of white, middle class Wal-Mart shoppers. (The fault also lies, of course, with the over-paid CEO of Wal-mart, but that’s another story. Since the shoppers buy the goods that give the income that over-pays the CEO, it is ultimately their fault.)

In spite of the obvious truth of this conclusion, I felt I needed something from the Bible to buttress my view. So I let God lead me as my fingers went walking through the Holy Pages, and I came to the rich young ruler passage, located somewhere in the "new" testament. A new interpretation from God screamed at me as I looked at the passage afresh! The rich young ruler owned thousands of shares of Wal-Mart! Now it all made sense.

After my weekly mid-week vacation the inspirational thought stayed with me. So as I drove to my New York home I realized how true my revelation was! Starvation in Africa: the fault of the white, middle-class Wal-Mart Shopper. Bush getting elected - twice!: the fault of the white, middle-class Wal-Mart Shopper. Outsourcing, leading to the oppression of the working man: the fault of the white, middle-class Wal-Mart Shopper. Terrorism: definitely the fault of the white, middle-class Wal-Mart Shopper.

That’s why our Restoration movement needs to wake up! We need to start voting and thinking like New Yorkers. These people need to stop shopping in Wal-Mart and start shopping at local places like New Yorkers do. You know, places like Macy’s and Starbucks. If we truly want to live the message of Jesus, people need to start emulating the way He lived. I know, because I am doing it everyday! I voted for Kerry. I buy fair-trade coffee. Why can’t the red states get on board? If you want to live like Jesus, you need to be an East coast liberal. If you mid-western Bible-thumpers weren’t all so busy working and shopping at Wal-mart, you would understand all this.

I know some of you closed-minded anti-Postmodernists (and I know who you are) are going to start quoting the Bible in context. You will be telling me how my ideas aren’t Biblical. What else could we expect from the legalists around our movement? But to you I quote the greatest theologian, and possibly the greatest spiritual leader, of all time. Bill Clinton once wisely remarked, "It all depends on the definition of ‘is.’" The Bible all depends on how you define it. And you white, middle-class Wal-Mart shoppers need to realize the way to define it is the way the liberal East coast does. That means you need to start paying more for those luxury items you have been buying! (And a few extra taxes wouldn’t hurt either!)

So the next time you go to the ballot box, remember something: the morals and the world, and yes even our very salvation, depends on you Wal-Mart shoppers voting a non-partisan straight ticket for the Democrats.

Just in case some of you didn’t figure out the message of this week’s installment, I will be bringing this up 26 more times this year. (That’s how many times our consultant for Cherry Group told me it took for white, middle-class, Wal-Mart Shoppers to figure things out).

As I lay my head down on my Select Comfort bed, I can only hope our movement frees itself from the shackles into which some of you have tried to put it. Someday maybe our movement will realize God’s true calling. Someday they will listen to Him in quiet, chanting, eastern-style prayer instead of all this detailed study of the Bible. Then, maybe then, we will all be "blinded by the light" of liberal East coast postmodernism.

Next Week: Why it’s time to move beyond the petty dispute over women’s reproductive choice in our movement -- another barrier to fellowship.